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When Microsoft Takes Over HealthCare Insurance - The Top 12 Results
12. The Department
of Justice will be all over them because basic health coverage also
includes free membership to a Microsoft Health Spa and Gym, and
this is clearly unfair competition to YMCA, World Gym, etc.
Microsoft will still offer the gym membership for free, but you
have to fill out a separate application form to get your membership
card.
11. Occasionally, your body will stop and fail to restart, and
you'll have to reinstall the heart to get it going.
10. If you get health insurance as a newborn its much cheaper than
if you try to get it later on your own.
9. If you ever lose your health coverage, you can just go "copy"
someone else's insurance card.
8. If you own another hospital, and you don't want to sell out to
Microsoft Managed Health Care Inc, you can count on a Microsoft
Hospital and Clinic being built next door, with FREE COVERAGE to
anyone who comes in.
7. You'll be charged drastically overinflated prices for minor
technical support at the emergency room (well, **not everything**
will really change).
6. You can search the web site for your prognosis, and download
your prescription, but to talk to a live doctor, it will cost you
$195 per visit, unless you buy a ten-pack of incidents/year for
$1695.
5. The doctor will gladly receive medical records from other
clinics/hospitals, but if you ever go to an outside doctor, the
records will get mangled in the process, or MS Doctor notes will
use non-industry standard terms to describe symptoms.
4. Pharmacist 1.0 won't be able to fill prescriptions written out
by Dr. 2.5 or later.
3. Your health insurance covers free office visits, but to actually
see a doctor while you are in the office will cost you an
additional $35.
2. Scottish patients (Macs) won't have as good coverage, but the
doctors will just charge more for what they do offer. And the
number one result of Microsoft's takeover of the healthcare system:
1. Lowered average time in ICU, since all monitors and therapeutic
equipment will be running Windows 95. "I am sorry about your
wife... it seems her respirator had a general protection fault." I
called my insurance company and asked to speak to Bob, my agent.
The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like
to hold?"
THE GYNECOLOGIST
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised! to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."
Let's Retire At The Holiday Inn
No nursing home for me! I'm checking into the Holiday Inn. With the average cost for a nursing home per day reaching $188.00 there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night.
That leaves $138.77 a day for: 1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. 2. Laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have fee toothpaste and razors, and all have fee shampoo and soap. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. And $5.00 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?
So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all my emails to the Holiday Inn!
Most standard rooms have coffeemakers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV - all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.
Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too like the Kids Eat Free Program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.
Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, in a Holiday Inn you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the room all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room. your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.
Being perma-skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check this story out - and are happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate (we could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!).
Doctor's Advice
A woman hears from her doctor that she has cancer and only six months to live. The doctor recommends that she marry a claims adjuster and move to South Dakota. The woman asks, "will this cure my cancer?"
"No," said the doctor, "but the six months will seem much, much longer!"
Don't Pass The Bread, Please!
(Note: This humor comes from fboexchange.com. Editor Jim Hostetler produces an on-line subscription publication call FBO that is one of the insurance industry's best newsletters. If you are in the insurance business we highly recommend that you subscribe. The following reprinted letter discusses liability lawsuits gone mad. While the issue of our legal system out of control is not funny to insurers providing product liability insurance we think you will enjoy the author's wit)...
more examples...
Lawsuits against Chevy Corvettes for not putting warnings on their accelerator pedals.
Claims against Harley Davidson for failing to put roll-bars on motorcycles.
Suits against Sarah Lee for irresponsibly baking with butter for the past 30 years.
A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard:" The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone. (I'm not making this stuff up).
I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread?
Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice...
- More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters
- Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
- In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years: infant mortality rates were unacceptably high: many women died in childbirth: and diseases such as typhoid , yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
- More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread
- Bread is made from a substance call "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
- Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and Osteoporosis.
- Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
- Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
- Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
- Newborn babies can choke on bread.
- Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
- Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
- No sales of bread to minors.
- No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
- A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
- No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
- A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
Please send this on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.
Questions and Answers
Q. Do you know what a woman and insurance have in common?
A. They are both expensive, difficult to understand and what you
get is not guaranteed.
Q. Do you know the difference between a man and a whole life
policy? A. A whole life policy eventually matures.
Sex Life Insurance
- If you sleep with your wife that's Legal and General
- If you sleep with your girlfriend that's Mutual Trust
- If you sleep with a prostitute that's Commercial Union
- If you sleep with all types that's Group Life
- If your wife lets you sleep around that's Liberty Life
Insurance in the Bible
- Q. Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?
- A. When Adam and Eve needed more coverage
- Q. Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?
- A. When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.
Which Insurer?
Two women are playing golf when one of them ask the other, "Do you and your husband have mutual climax?" The other woman replies, "No, I think we have State Farm."
Return To The Jokes and Humor Main Page Page
An actuary and an underwriter
An actuary and an underwriter are watching the eleven o'clock news. A story comes on involving a man on a window ledge threatening to jump. The underwriter say, "I'll be you fifty bucks he doesn't jump." The actuary says, "I'll take the bet."
A few minutes later they see that the guy does indeed jump. As the underwriter reaches for his wallet, the actuary says, "Never mind. It's not fair. I saw it on the six o'clock news." The underwriter responds, "So did I, but I just didn't think it would happen twice."
This page last updated 03/16/2005
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