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Insurance Jokes and Humor - Managed Care brought to you by The Lawrence S. Brodsky Agency

The Lemon

The Blue Crab Bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a pin stripe suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

“Well,” said the little man, “I set fee schedules for an HMO.”

The Review

Reviewing Managed Care Treatment Plans in a Timely Manner: A Technical Guide for Blue Cross Employees

* Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
* Check your email.
* Read over the treatment plan carefully, to make certain you understand it.
* Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
* Check your email.
* Stop off at another cubicle on the way back and visit with a colleague. If this person hasn't started his reviews yet either, you can walk to McDonalds and buy hamburgers to help you concentrate. If your colleague has already finished his quota of reviews, drop him.
* When you get back to your cubicle, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
* Read over the paper again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
* Check your email.
* You know, you haven't written to your mom in the past year. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
* Brush your hair over that bald spot.
* Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it. I mean it. as soon as it's over you are going to start working on that review.
* Listen to the other side.
* Check your email.
* Rearrange all of your files into alphabetical order.
* Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he/she has started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about the medical profession, the state of healthcare today, and the world at large.
* Sit in a straight, comfortable chair. Have a Cherry Lifesaver. Savor its special flavor across your tongue.
* Check your email.
* Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. Note: If you are only a week behind quota, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to reruns of Peewee's Playhouse is truly worthwhile.
* Catch the last half hour of American Bandstand on Channel 46.
* Phone your colleague in the third cubicle down to see if he/she was watching the same show. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
* Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
* Check your email.
* Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
* Read over the treatment plan one more time, just for the heck of it.
* Leap up and do that review.
* Write up your comments, and while you're at it, check your email.
* Complain to everyone that you got behind schedule because you couldn't read the doctor's lousy handwriting.

Credibility

An HMO accounts clerk had a cabin in the West Virginia mountains and liked to go there for his frequent vacation times. Each summer, he would invite a different friend spend a week or two up at his cabin. One particular summer, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend agreed.

Early one morning, the clerk and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering buckets of delicious red raspberries, along came two huge Bears--a male and a female.

The HMO accounts clerk, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't as fast, and the male bear grabbed him and swallowed him whole.

The clerk ran back to his car, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and they dashed back to the berry patch. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the clerk, pointing to the male bear.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE BEAR!

"What do you think you're doing??" exclaimed the clerk, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe an HMO accounts clerk who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

Heaven

Three actuaries are at heaven's gate and are being questioned by St. Peter on what usefulness they did in life. The first actuary says, "I discovered a new rating plan that rates people more fairly," so St. Peter says, "Fine, welcome to heaven." The second actuary says, "I discovered a new forecasting technique the predicts claims more accurately," so St. Peter says, "Fine, welcome to heaven." The third actuary says, "I invented HMOs." St. Peter says, "Fine, you may stay three days, but then you have to leave."

A Southern Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they had no room in the trailer for a larger bed.

So the husband went to his HMO's doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor/veterinarian told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor/veterinarian, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor/veterinarian, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure is apparently also approved in West Virginia, Georgia and Florida.

The Top 10 Signs You've Joined A Cheap HMO

10	Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9	Directions to your doctor's office include "take a left when you enter the trailer park.
8	Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7	Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6	Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".
5	Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4	"Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
3	The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2	With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come in different colors with little "M's" on them
1	You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care

Q. What does HMO stand for?: A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" It roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with high-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?: A. No. Only those you need.
Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?: A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!
Q. What are pre-existing conditions?: A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?: A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?: A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?: A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?: A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling: A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?: A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It best to wait until you return, and then get sick.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?: A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?: A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?: A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Question: What is the difference between an HMO and a car battery?: Answer: The battery has a positive side.
Question: What is the difference between an HMO doctor and a seagull?: Answer: A seagull can still make a significant deposit on a Mercedes.

Professional Courtesy

An HMO Executive, a teacher and a banker were in a sailboat. Suddenly the boat hit a large rock which tore a hole in the bottom of the boat. To their horror they discovered that the life raft only had room for two passengers. A beautiful tropical island was visible on the horizon, but the water was infested with bloodthirsty sharks. While the teacher and banker were wondering what to do, the HMO executive dove into the water and began to swim toward the island. The others got into the raft and paddled off.

When they finally arrived on the shore of the island, they found the HMO executive sitting under a palm tree, sipping coconut milk. They were flabbergasted. "How did you survive in there with all of those bloodthirsty sharks?" they demanded.

"Easy," he replied as he took another sip, "Professional courtesy."

Options

A wealthy man lay critically ill.
"There's only one thing that will save you," his doctor said. "A brain transplant. It's experimental and very expensive."
"Money is no object," the man said. "Can you get a brain?"
"There are three available. The first was from a college professor, but it'll cost you $10,000."
"Don't worry, I can pay. What about the second?"
"It was from a rocket scientist. It'll cost you $100,000."
"I have the money. And I'd be a lot smarter too. But what about the third?"
"The third was from a managed care reviewer. It will set you back half a million dollars."
"Why so much for the managed care reviewer's brain?" the patient asked.
His doctor replied, "Never been used."

New Trends In Cost Containment

Q: Have you seen the new home surgery kit available via mail order?

A. It's called Suture Self.

The Deal

The CEO of a large managed care corporation was sitting in his office late one night, gloating over his latest acquisitions. Suddenly, with a puff of smoke and the smell of brimstone, Satan appeared before him.

Satan smiled at the CEO and said, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every every health care contract you bid on, for the rest of your life. Your colleagues will stand in awe of you, physicians will fear you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, and the souls of all your friends and the souls of all shareholders in your company."

The CEO thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

This page last updated 01/26/2007