Actuary yuks
Q - A
- Question: What do you call an actuary who is talking to someone?
- Answer: Popular
- Question: How do you tell the difference between an actuary and the deceased person at a funeral?
- Answer: The deceased has a new tie.
- Question: What's the difference between a sperm and an actuary?
- Answer: The sperm has a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
- Question: What did the actuary receive for first degree murder:
- Answer: Twenty years certain and life thereafter
- Question: What is a joke to an actuary?
- Answer: Something that ALMOST makes him or her laugh.
- Question: How do you keep an actuary in the shower all day?
- Answer: Give the actuary a bottle of shampoo which says, "lather, rinse, repeat."
The Airline Flight
Two underwriters boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an actuary got on and took the aisle seat next to the two underwriters. The actuary kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the underwriter in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a soda." "No problem," said the actuary, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the underwriters picked up the actuary's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the soda, the other underwriter said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the actuary obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other underwriter picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Actuary returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Actuary slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on? he asked. "This fighting between our professions? The hatred? The animosity? The spitting in shoes and pissing in sodas?"
The Guy In A Bar
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an actuary joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an actuary. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an actuary. And the guy sitting next to him is 6'5" tall, 250 pounds, and he's an actuary. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?" The first guy say, "No, I don't want to have to explain it three times."
For your vegetables?
An underwriter takes his two actuaries into a restaurant. The waiter asks the underwriter what he would like to he and the underwriter replies, "I'll have the steak." Then the waiter asks the underwriter: "And for your vegetables?" The underwriter replies, "They'll have the steak too."
Cheap Rates
A casualty actuary priced an automobile "Fire and Theft" policy with an extremely low premium. When asked why it was so cheap, he said, "Who would steal a burnt car?"
Chest Pain
An actuary is walking down the corridor when he feels a twinge in his chest. Immediately, he runs to the stairwell and hurls himself down. His friend, visiting him in the hospital, asks why he did that. The actuary replies, "The chances of having a heart attack and falling down the stairs are much lower than the chances of having a heart attack only."
More on actuaries
An actuary is a place where they bury dead actors.
Still More
What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a Mafia actuary? An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year, a Mafia actuary can name them.
Even Still More
An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1248 sheep out there." The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?" The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four."
Light Bulb
- Question: How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?
- Answer: How many did it take last year?
Return To The Insurance Humor and Jokes Main Page
Believe it or not, more Actuary Jokes
- An actuary, a lawyer and an accountant are discussing the merits of having a mistress or a wife. The lawyer reckons it is better having a mistress, because the wife can take everything if you should come to a divorce. The accountant reckons it is definitely better having a wife, from a taxation perspective. The actuary reckons it is better having both, because when you are not with the wife, she thinks you are with the mistress, and when you are not with the mistress, the mistress thinks you are with the wife, and that way, you can spend more time at the office.
- What is the difference between an actuary and a computer? At least the computer has some type kind of personality.
- An actuary is one who, if you're drowning in a pond twenty feet offshore will throw you an eleven foot rope and point out that he's meeting you MORE than half-way.
- In Canada, there is a group of people who refuse to speak English. They're called separatists and tend to live in Quebec. In the United States they're called actuaries.
- An actuary is a CPA who found CPA work too exciting.
- An actuary is a CPA who didn't have the personality for it.
- Question: How do you recognize an extrovert actuary? Answer: He looks at your shoes and not his own, when he is speaking to you.
- Ask an actuary "What's 2 + 2?" Response: "What do you want it to be?"
- Imagine an insurance company as a car, the president is driving, marketing has its foot on the gas, underwriting has its foot on the brakes, and the actuary is looking out the rear view mirror screaming directions.
- Two actuaries equipped with shotguns sit in a duck blind. A flock in close formation flies in front of them. One takes aim and fires ten yards behind the ducks, the other shoots ten yards in front. They turn to each other and with a couple of high fives rejoice, "Got em!!!"
- There are three types of Actuaries, those who can count and those who can't.
- A skydiver is blown off-course and lands in a tree in a remote area. After dangling from branches for an hour, he spots a hiker walking by. "Excuse me," yells the parachutist, "but could you tell me where I am?" The hiker looks up and says, "Yes, you're twenty feet above the ground." "Thank you," replies the skydiver, "You must be an actuary." "What makes you say that?" asked the hiker. The skydiver answered, "Because what you just told me was 100% accurate, but totally worthless!"
- Question: "What is the difference between God and an actuary?" Answer: :"God doesn't think he's an actuary."
- Question: "How do you get an actuary to laugh on Saturday?" Answer: "Tell the actuary a joke on Thursday."
- Definition of a computer: "An actuary with a heart."
- Question; "What do actuaries use as contraceptives?" Answer: "Their personality."
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An actuary and an underwriter
An actuary and an underwriter are watching the eleven o'clock news. A story comes on involving a man on a window ledge threatening to jump. The underwriter say, "I'll be you fifty bucks he doesn't jump." The actuary says, "I'll take the bet."
A few minutes later they see that the guy does indeed jump. As the underwriter reaches for his wallet, the actuary says, "Never mind. It's not fair. I saw it on the six o'clock news." The underwriter responds, "So did I, but I just didn't think it would happen twice."
This page last updated 03/16/2005
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